Avoiding the Transitions

Individuals will walk out of relationships, rather than letting go of the approach to the relationships that made them unsuccessful and unsatisfying in the past. Individuals will look for new jobs rather than face the attitudes and behaviors toward work and toward authority-figures that made them unsuccessful in all of their past jobs. They don’t ask what it is time for them to let go of. Instead they say they need to start over. Individuals will decide to move to a new house or a new town, rather than letting go inwardly of the old way of living that lacked meaning. They make a change rather than making the more profound transition, which would put them on a genuinely new life-path.

William Bridges, The Way of Transition

When to Quit

David Epstein (who wrote the book Range) points to research that has shown that quitting something that’s unrewarding or unfulfilling and moving on to something that’s a better fit makes people happier. For example, when the economist and Freakonomics co-author Steven Levitt conducted a study online in which participants who were considering a career change could flip a digital coin, heads for quit and tails for stay, he found that six months later, those who flipped heads and changed jobs were substantially happier. And perhaps more important, they had freed themselves up to try other things and find out what fulfilled them more than their current career. So quitting once it’s clear that the “match quality” between the person and the pursuit is bad, Epstein said, should be seen as more of a success than a failure. Seth Godin, the author of a number of career-advice books, has even endorsed making a list at the start of any endeavor of the conditions under which to quit.

Ashley Fetters writing in The Atlantic

The Game is only half over

On New Year’s Day, 1929, a University of California football player named Roy Riegels made Rose Bowl history. He was playing defense when an opposing Georgia Tech player dropped eh ball. Roy grabbed the fumble and took off on a gallop for the end zone. The wrong end zone. For a moment, all the other players froze. Then, one of Roy’s own teammates, Benny Lom, took off in pursuit. After a spectacular fumble return of 65 yards, Lom caught and downed the confused Riegels just before he scored for his opponents. Cal took over the ball with their backs to their own goal line. Tech’s defense refused to give and California had to punt. But Georgia Tech blocked the kick in the end zone and scored a two-point safety (which was the ultimate margin of victory). That wrong-way run came shortly before the end of the second quarter. And as the teams left the field at halftime, everyone watching the Rose Bowl that day was wondering the same thing: “What will California Coach, Nibbs Price, do with Roy Riegels in the second half?”

The California players silently filed into the dressing room and found places to sit, on benches and floors. All of them except Riegels. He wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, sagged to the floor in the corner, put his face in his hands and cried like a baby. Football coaches usually have a great deal to say to their teams during halftime. But that day Coach Price was quiet. No doubt he was trying to decide what to do with Riegels. Finally, the timekeeper stuck his head in the dressing room and announced: “Three minutes till playing time.” Coach Price looked at his team, glanced over at Riegels and said simply, “Men, the same team that played the first half will start the second.”

The players stood and moved quickly for the door. All but Riegels. He didn’t budge. The coach looked back and called to him again: “Riegels.” Still he didn’t move. Coach Price walked slowly over to the corner, looked down and asked softly, “Roy, didn’t you hear me? I said, ‘The same team that played the first half will start the second.” Roy Riegels lifted his head. His eyes were red, his cheeks wet. “Coach,” he said, “I can’t do it. I’ve ruined you. I’ve ruined the University of California. I’ve ruined myself. I couldn’t face that crowd in the stadium to save my life.” Coach Price reached out, put his hand on the player’s shoulder and said to him, “Roy, get up and go on back; the game is only half over.” Roy Riegels went back out on that field. And the Georgia Tech players said afterward that they’d never seen anyone play as hard as Roy Riegels played that second half.

When I think of this story, I think “What a coach!” And then I think about all the big mistakes I’ve made in my life and how God is willing to forgive me and let me try again. I take the ball and run the wrong direction. I stumble and fall and am so ashamed of myself that I never want to show my face again. But God comes to me and bends over me in the person of his son Jesus Christ, and he says, “Get up and go back; the game is only half over.” This is the gospel of the second chance. Of the third chance. Of the hundredth chance. And when I think of that, I have to say, “What a God!”

author unknown

The Way of Transition

Life fishtails its way across an undulating landscape. If you want to live, you need to give yourself over to the way of transition—to let go when life presents you with a time of ending, to abandon yourself to the neutral zone when that is where you find yourself, to seize the opportunity to make a new beginning when that moment presents itself.

William Bridges, The Way of Transition

Renewal and Friendship

The self-renewing man has mutually fruitful relations with other human beings. They are capable of accepting love and capable of giving it – both more difficult achievements than is commonly thought. And what has that to do with self-renewal? The man or woman who is incapable of accepting love or of giving it is imprisoned, cut off from a great part of the world of experience. Love and friendship dissolve the rigidities of the isolated self, force new perspectives, alter judgments, and keep in working order the emotional substratum on which all profound comprehensive of human affairs must rest.

John Gardner, Self-Renewal

Mummies in the audience

“Keep on growing,” the commencement speakers say. “Don’t go to seed. Let this be a beginning, not an ending.” It is a good theme. Yet a high proportion of the young people who hear the speeches pay no heed, and by the time they are middle-aged they are absolutely mummified. Even some of the people who make the speeches are mummified. Why?

The thing that is really blocking self-development – the individual’s own intricately designed, self-constructed prison, or to put it another way, the individual’s incapacity for self-renewal.

John Gardner, Self-Renewal

Four simple words

During nearly 20 years writing about health, I’ve had the opportunity to speak with hundreds of top medical experts about how to live well. What I’ve learned from all of them can be summed up in four simple words.

Move. Nourish. Refresh. Connect.

Tara Parker-Pope writing in the New York Times

Recovery

Outcomes by themselves don't really have an unambiguously positive or negative effect on your happiness. Yes, there are some outcomes—you get a terminal disease, or your child dies—that are pretty extreme, but let's leave those out. But if you think about it, the breakup that you had with your childhood girlfriend, or you broke an arm and were in a hospital bed for two months, when they occurred, you might have felt, “Oh my goodness, this is the end of the world! I'm never going to recover from it.” But it turns out we're very good at recovering from those, and not just that, but those very events that we thought were really extremely negative were in fact pivotal in making us grow and learn.

Raj Raghunathan quoted in the Atlantic