The best strategy for persuading others to help you achieve something

Let's say you're considering a wonderful business opportunity, but you also face challenges.

The average leader might gather the team and explain why it's such a great opportunity for the company. The emotionally intelligent leader, however, skips much of that, and frames everything from the point of view of his or her team:

1. First, what the opportunity means for everyone together,

2. Second, what it means for individual contributors, and

3. Finally, what's needed from each person to reach the goal.

The hard part is that it takes more time to think about all of these angles and to craft the right message. On top of all of that, you have the challenge of being brief. But, when done right, you also get the benefit of being far more likely to achieve your goals.

Bill Murphy, Jr. writing in his newsletter

Emotionally intelligent leader are consistently authentic

An emotionally intelligent leader is always clear about their intentions and where they are coming from. This means employees don’t have to worry about deciphering messages from leadership and keeps them best informed about the organization’s goals and motives. 

Authentic emotionally intelligent leaders share as much as they are able to with their people at all times and expect the same from others in their circle. They don’t feel the need to hide things from others, cover up their mistakes, or play favorites in their workplace. They treat everyone the same, regardless of their position or station in life.  

Harvey Deutschendorf writing in Fast Company

10 Seconds

Image: EmmY AWARDS VIDEO

All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Will you just take, along with me, 10 seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are?  Those who have cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life.

(Ten seconds of silence)

Whomever you’ve been thinking about, how pleased they must be to know the difference you feel they’ve made.

Fred Rogers (of Mister Rogers Neighborhood), Academy Award Acceptance Speech

Is it Hard for You to Ask for Help?

If you are inclined to avoid requesting help, it’s important to examine any thoughts or beliefs that might be getting in your way. These could include: 

·      Negative associations: you might think that someone is lazy if they can’t do something themselves.

·      Self-criticism: you could think that asking for help means you are incapable or weak.

·      Concerns about how you will be perceived: you might worry that someone will think less favourably of you if you ask for help.

·      Self-sacrificing beliefs: you might worry about burdening someone with your needs.

·      Overestimating the likelihood of rejection: ‘No one is going to want to help me out,’ you might assume – ‘why would they?’

Research suggests that we tend to underestimate the likelihood of someone saying yes to a request for help. Most people feel good when they do helpful things for others, and prefer to think of themselves as generous and willing to help when they can. If you fear that someone will like you less if you ask them for help, consider the opposite possibility: people might actually like you more if they’ve done you a favour. Expressing vulnerability and openness, by acknowledging that you could use help, can lead to deeper connection.

Debbie Sorensen writing in Psyche

Empathy at Work

One recommendation that executive coach Keith Ferrazzi gives clients is to conduct “energy check-ins” at the start of meetings, asking others to rate their energy level on a 0-5 scale. A low score is a chance to ask: Is there anything we or I can do for you?"

Empathy can easily be misinterpreted, says Kim Scott, a CEO coach and former Google executive whose book “Radical Candor” advocates for direct communications at work. Managers sometimes mistakenly assume they should ask a lot of questions about staffers’ lives outside work in a way that can feel intrusive.

Too much focus on empathy can cause some leaders to hold off on tough feedback. It’s counterproductive “when empathy begins to paralyze us to ‘I’m so aware of how you might feel that I’m afraid to talk to you,’ ” she says.

Ray A Smith writing in the Wall Street Journal

A new 988 number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

A new 988 number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline goes into service on July 16. It will accept texts and live chat is available. Unfortunately, according to the Wall Street Journal, it relies on call centers that are already overstretched. Annual call volumes to the current 10-digit line increased by 92% from 2016 to 2021. Of more than nine million calls to the hotline from 2016 to 2021, 1.5 million were abandoned before they were answered. Read more about the new service in the Wall Street Journal, BuzzFeed News and the Associated Press.

Sir Nicholas Winton meets those he rescued

Sir Nicholas Winton organized the rescue and passage to Britain of about 669 mostly Jewish children destined for the Nazi death camps. Fifty years later, The BBC arranged for him to meet with some of those children

How can I be useful to you?

I used to ask my patients, "How can I help you? " But that kind of question makes them Humpty Dumpty, waiting around on the pavement to be put back together again. And it makes me the kings horses and the kings men, ultimately powerless to fix another person. I’ve changed my question. Now I say, "How can I be useful to you?" How can I support you as you take responsibility for yourself?  

Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger in her book The Choice

The Caring Effect

Patients with irritable bowel syndrome were told they'd be participating in a study of the benefits of a acupuncture—and one group, which received the treatment from a warm, friendly researcher who asked detailed questions about their lives, did report a marked reduction in symptoms, equivalent to what might result from any drug on the market. Unbeknokwnst to them, the researchers used trick needles that didn’t pierce the skin.

Now here’s the interesting part. The same sham treatment was given to another group of subjects—but performed brusquely, without conversation. The benefits largely disappeared. It was the empathetic exchange between paractictioner and patient. Kaptchuk concluded, that made the difference.

What Kaptchuk demonstrated is what some medical thinkers have begun to call the “care effect”—the idea that the opportunity for patients to feel heard and cared for can improve their health. Scientific or no, alternative practitioners tend to express empathy, to allow for unhurried silences, and to ask what the meaning patients make of their pain. Kaptchuk’s study was a breakthrough: It showed that randomized, controlled trials could measure the effect of caring.

Nathanael Johnson, Writing in Wired magazine

A better option than giving advice

Giving advice feels good, but it doesn’t empower other people. Experts suggest that instead of telling others what to do, we coach them to find their own solutions. This approach is more motivating and helps others grow. While it takes more time asking questions to guide others into their own answers, doing so lets other people develop independence, increasing their productivity. This also frees you to accomplish more.

The best advice I ever got

The advice that sticks out I got from John Door, who in 2001 said, “My advice to you is to have a coach.” 

My argument was, How could a coach advise me if I’m the best person in the world at this?  But that’s not what a coach does. The coach doesn’t have to play the sport as well as you do. They have to watch you and get you to do your best. 

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt quoted in Fortune Magazine

time to cheer

Encourage others and cheer for them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

Marc and Angel Chernoff

Finding God in the Next Person

Gandhi—who did not have a good track record as a family man—is reported to have said, “If you don’t find God in the very next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for him further.” I would add, ‘If you don’t find God in the person who forgets to put the toilet seat down or brings home a disastrous report card or violates the 11:00 p.m. curfew, it is a waste of time looking for God further.” Families are social entities, but more importantly they are spiritual communities.

Margaret Guenther, The Practice of Prayer

Climb Down & Sit with Them

The hardest habit for me to break was the instinct to turn the conversation round to the positive. It took a while for me to understand that if a friend is in a dark place, the most compassionate thing we can do is to climb down into that place and sit with them for a while. “If a person trusts you enough to talk about their distress, trying to cheer them up is like shutting them up – you are dismissing and trivialising their feelings. Give them the space to say how bad they feel and stay with it. Swerving away from it, talking about a silver lining, can signal you don’t want to hear it.” Focus on your friend and their words. Thinking too much about your responses can be detrimental. “I make a constant effort to calm my mind down and tune into what is being said.”

Moya Sarner writing in The Guardian

A Tale of Two Artists

The first of two artists said, "I have traveled the world over and I have seen a lot. But I have not found one person worth painting. I have found flaws in everyone and just can't bring myself to paint them."

The second artist disagreed, "I may not be a great artist; I have never been to Paris - or even New York. But among my unimportant friends living in my small rural town, I have not found anyone too insignificant to paint. There is always a better side. I may not be a great artist, but I enjoy my art."

Which is one is the true artist? The one who finds nothing worth painting? Or the one who brings a certain something to his craft enabling him to see a world of beauty others are blind to? In the same way, some people find no one worthy of their love, while others find everyone worthy.

Should I search for attractive people to paint, to love? Or should I look for the attractiveness of the soul within?

the crisis of love

There is a true story of a little boy whose sister needed a blood transfusion. The doctor explained that she had the same disease the boy had recovered from two years earlier. Her only chance of recovery was a transfusion from someone who had previously conquered the disease. Since the two children had the same rare blood type, the boy was an ideal donor.

“Would you give your blood to Mary?” the doctor asked.

Johnny hesitated. His lower lip started to tremble. Then he smiled and said, “Sure, for my sister.”

Soon the two children were wheeled into the hospital room. Mary, pale and thin. Johnny, robust and healthy. Neither spoke, but when their eyes met, Johnny grinned.

As the nurse inserted the needle into his arm, Johnny’s smile faded. He watched the blood flow through the tube.

With the ordeal almost over, Johnny’s voice, slightly shaky, broke the silence.

“Doctor, when do I die?”

Only then did the doctor realize why Johnny had hesitated, why his lip had trembled when he agreed to donate his blood. He thought giving his blood to his sister would mean giving up his life. In that brief moment, he had made his great decision. Johnny faced a “crisis of love”. He won the test and experienced love at the deepest level.

David Needham, Close to His Majesty

The Good Samaritan Experiment

In 1973, the research duo of John Darley and Daniel Batson asked Princeton Theological Seminary students to visit a group of children across campus to deliver a sermon on the parable of the Good Samaritan. 

The researchers told some of the future pastors, “It’ll be a few minutes before they’re ready for you, but you might as well head on over.” They told others, “You’re late. They were expecting you a few minutes ago. You’d better get moving.”

While proceeding across campus, each subject passed a man slumped in a doorway, moaning and coughing. 

Imagine yourself in this situation: A classroom of children awaits you but, along the way, you encounter a man who’s clearly in distress. Is there any doubt what you do? Or what religiously attuned students would do? No matter the circumstances, we’d expect everyone to help. However, only 10 percent of the “hurried” students stopped to offer assistance. 

The best explanation for this behavior is that, amid the anxiety of running late, most of the students experienced a perceptual shift that caused them not to see the man or recognize his distress.

Robert Pearl writing in Vox

Would you be Willing?

Elizabeth Stokoe, professor of social interaction at Loughborough University, and her colleagues, have analysed thousands of hours of recorded conversations, from customer services to mediation hotlines and police crisis negotiation. They discovered that certain words or phrases have the power to change the course of a conversation.

People who had already responded negatively when asked if they would like to attend mediation seemed to change their minds when the mediator used the phrase, “Would you be willing to come for a meeting?” “As soon as the word ‘willing’ was uttered, people would say: ‘Oh, yes, definitely’ – they would actually interrupt the sentence to agree.” Stokoe found it had the same effect in different settings: with business-to-business cold callers; with doctors trying to persuade people to go to a weight-loss class. She also looked at phrases such as “Would you like to” and “Would you be interested in”. “Sometimes they worked, but ‘willing’ was the one that got people to agree more rapidly and with more enthusiasm.”

Rosie Ifouldwriting in The Guardian 

The Shape of a Moral Hero

What shapes a moral hero? And how does someone choose to save people that others turn away? 

Research on those who rescued Jews during the Holocaust shows that many exhibited a streak of independence from an early age.  

A second characteristic of such heroes and heroines, as the psychologist Philip Zimbardo writes, is “that the very same situations that inflame the hostile imagination in some people, making them villains, can also instill the heroic imagination in other people, prompting them to perform heroic deeds.”  

David Wolpe writing in the New York Times 

Before Passing Judgment

1. Evaluate others from alongside, not from above.

2. Give others time to change and room to grow.

3. Be willing to revise your evaluations of others. Use other people’s perspectives to refine your own.

4. Remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of judgement. 

Barry Applewhite